Monday, January 28, 2008

Addiction


It doesn't matter how many vices I cut out of my life, I always find an addiction. Even if its something that is harmless, the addiction is the problem, not the focus of the addiction. Once you realize this, you discover that the obstacle is internal and cannot be overcome by eliminating one nasty habit after the next (although getting rid of unhealthy habits is a good thing!). As I peeled away the layers of vices, they became less and less detrimental to my health. Now that I'm staring at chocolate like its a bottle of Gin, I have to think to myself-where are these feelings coming from? How many more things can I take out of my life while I run away from the fact that these emotions and thought patterns are not a product of the outside world?

As my thoughts raced this evening, I took out a pad of paper and started writing. I promised myself that I would not stop writing until two pages were filled and that I would write anything that came to my mind. Although I felt somewhat crazy, it felt good. I wasn't turning on myself, I was unravelling myself and just being. My heart is racing as I type this, but that could be from the half a bar of dark chocolate I just ate.

I am just starting this journey. I have to remember this. Yoga, meditation, positive thinking, yogic philosophy, vegetarianism, juicing, chanting, all of this entered my life only 6 months ago. At least I've gotten this far. My mantras at the moment are: Surrender, play, and let go. I'm going to do those things right now. Most of the times I sit down to write here, I don't know what will occur, but usually I learn exactly what I need to do at that moment to be happy and free.

PS- One of the people who inspired me to make these changes is Kris Carr from Crazy, Sexy Cancer. A few days ago, I awoke to find that she had commented on one of my blog entries. I can't explain how motivating and uplifting it was to hear from her! If you haven't yet checked out her site or blog, do it now!

2 comments:

Brain Maker , SF California said...

That is a great post. Thank you. Ironically I'm going to see my Doctor Tomorrow to discuss quitting smoking. It's been a habit that has both had me for years, and filled me with guilt. I need to fight the good fight.

Thanks for the inspiration, and I'll check out the link to Sexy Cancer.

Sundari said...

Hi Brian,
I struggled with smoking for years. Never get down on yourself if you relapse, just try again and again to quit because you will do it! I understand the guilt too, but as soon as you feel that guilt, shift your energy to trying to quit again. Also, stay away from any situation that might tempt you (i.e. hanging out with friends who smoke or being at events or places where you would usually smoke). I was a hermit for a while, when I finally kicked the habit. I just had to stay away from those tempting situations until I had the strength to say no. You might want to take up a healthy habit (hiking, yoga, writing, reading, meditation, eating healthier, you get the idea) to substitute the smoking and keep your mind off it. Hang in there. If you have the chance, keep me posted!
I'm cheering you on!