Confessions of a Chocolate Eating "Vegan"

OK, maybe if I write about this, I'll realize that there is MILK that comes from COWS in chocolate (well, at least the kind that I've been eating). Its like I think that if I don't look at the ingredient list, the milk doesn't exist. Being out of my comfort zone and without my lovely vegan friends has led me into a black sugar addiction hole. Ugh! I've also been terrible about exercising. Blah, blah, blah...

That's enough with the self degradation and pity though. I have dusted off my juicer (which I lugged back to my in-laws house for the holidays) and I've been juicing for the past three days. My morning bagel (that I was becoming quite accustomed to) has been pried from my hands and I'm sticking to juice only until noon. Baby steps.

The chocolate is everywhere. Those shiny green and red wrappers cry out from their ceramic Santa bowls and glass Christmas tree dishes. Its like I become temporarily insane every time the thought of a dark chocolate covered pistachio nuts cross my mind. I really need a slap in the face. Get it together woman! Not only does the sugar make me feel like complete crap (plus my skin is freaking out and my pants aren't getting any looser), I feel like a hypocrite wearing my "Make the Connection" sweatshirt. Hello! Make the connection! Anybody in there?!

Here is the plan for tomorrow (I've said this to myself the past five nights, but maybe if I write it here I will finally follow through): Juice in the morning, salad for lunch, as much fruit as I want, and salad with Amy's vegan pizza for dinner. I'll report back on New Years Day. Wish me luck.

ps-I LOVE Lori's Natural Foods Market in Rochester, NY. All this city needs now is a juice bar and some vegan restaurants (not to mention a vegetarian restaurant).

Addiction Part II

I'm feeling better today than I have in about a week. The culprit: sugar overload (and me of course). For a while I had my sugar addiction under relative control with dark chocolate, but in reality, I was still overdoing it. The first few bites were never enough! Once I had some, I couldn't eat enough of it! I know it sounds crazy-Chocolate? Get a real problem, right? Unfortunately, these are the same emotions, thoughts, and actions I experienced with cigarettes and alcohol. Just because the substance is "less harmful", the internal struggle still drives you bonkers. Needless to say, I was down in the dumps for days as I "sugar crashed" and beat myself up, over and over again. Bottom line: refined sugar (and even too much natural sugar) makes me feel like crap, so I need to take it out of my life. That means brownies, cookies, muffins, pies, ice cream, and the list goes on.

Here is the catch, I recently ordered a food dehydrator in hopes that I can make some sweet treats that won't turn me into an obsessive maniac. I've read about these healthier options on the We Like it Raw blog. Its worth a try, right? The dehydrator should be here in a few days. I'll keep you posted on this little experiment. In the meantime, I'm steering clear of all sugary sweet delights and cutting back on my fruit intake. More veggies!! David Wolfe's website has a nice overview of sugar here.

Addiction

It doesn't matter how many vices I cut out of my life, I always find an addiction. Even if its something that is harmless, the addiction is the problem, not the focus of the addiction. Once you realize this, you discover that the obstacle is internal and cannot be overcome by eliminating one nasty habit after the next (although getting rid of unhealthy habits is a good thing!). As I peeled away the layers of vices, they became less and less detrimental to my health. Now that I'm staring at chocolate like its a bottle of Gin, I have to think to myself-where are these feelings coming from? How many more things can I take out of my life while I run away from the fact that these emotions and thought patterns are not a product of the outside world?

As my thoughts raced this evening, I took out a pad of paper and started writing. I promised myself that I would not stop writing until two pages were filled and that I would write anything that came to my mind. Although I felt somewhat crazy, it felt good. I wasn't turning on myself, I was unravelling myself and just being. My heart is racing as I type this, but that could be from the half a bar of dark chocolate I just ate.

I am just starting this journey. I have to remember this. Yoga, meditation, positive thinking, yogic philosophy, vegetarianism, juicing, chanting, all of this entered my life only 6 months ago. At least I've gotten this far. My mantras at the moment are: Surrender, play, and let go. I'm going to do those things right now. Most of the times I sit down to write here, I don't know what will occur, but usually I learn exactly what I need to do at that moment to be happy and free.

PS- One of the people who inspired me to make these changes is Kris Carr from Crazy, Sexy Cancer. A few days ago, I awoke to find that she had commented on one of my blog entries. I can't explain how motivating and uplifting it was to hear from her! If you haven't yet checked out her site or blog, do it now!